Most people think negotiation is about talking. Finding the right argument, the right number, the right moment to push. After years in international sales and leadership, and an MBA spent studying conflict resolution and negotiation, I have come to believe almost the opposite. The most important skill at the table is not speaking well. It is listening well.
The person across the table is telling you something
In almost every negotiation, the other side tells you what they need. Rarely in so many words. It comes out in what they ask about twice, in the detail they keep returning to, in the question that sounds small but is not. A buyer who keeps asking about delivery dates is not really negotiating price. A manager who keeps mentioning “the team” is worried about something you have not heard yet.
If you are busy preparing your next point, you miss all of it. You end up solving the problem you assumed they had, instead of the one they actually have.
Two cultures, two ways of saying no
Growing up in Jamaica and building a career in Norway has given me a front-row seat to how differently people communicate. In Jamaica, people can be strikingly direct. You usually know where you stand, and humor often carries the hard message. In Norway, the culture leans toward consensus and modesty. A Norwegian “that might be difficult” can mean a firm no.
Neither style is better. But if you only listen for the words, you will misread both. A Jamaican who raises their voice may simply be engaged. A Norwegian who goes quiet may be completely opposed. Listening across cultures means paying attention to tone, pace, silence and what is left unsaid, not just the sentence itself.
Listening is not the same as waiting to talk
Real listening has a few habits I try to practice, in business and outside it:
- Ask the second question. The first answer is usually the polite one. The second question, “What makes that important for you?”, is where the real need appears.
- Repeat it back. “So what I’m hearing is…” does two things. It checks your understanding, and it shows the other person they have been heard. People negotiate very differently once they feel understood.
- Get comfortable with silence. When a pause comes, most of us rush to fill it, often by giving something away. Let it sit. The other side will often fill it with exactly the information you needed.
- Separate the person from the position. Someone can hold a hard position and still be a reasonable person with a real problem. Listening for the problem keeps the relationship intact, even when you cannot agree.
Why this matters for leaders
Leadership is a long negotiation. You negotiate priorities with your team, expectations with your managers, and commitments with your customers. The leaders I have learned the most from were not the loudest people in the room. They were the ones who asked good questions, waited for the full answer, and made people feel that their view had actually landed.
When people feel heard, they bring you problems early, while they are still small. When they do not, you find out late, when the problems are expensive. That alone is worth learning to listen.
The quiet advantage
We often treat listening as a soft skill, something nice to have once the real work is done. In my experience it is the real work. The deal, the decision and the relationship all depend on understanding what the other person actually needs. And you cannot understand what you never stopped long enough to hear.
Next time you walk into a negotiation, a meeting or a difficult conversation, try setting yourself one goal: leave knowing more about the other person than they know about you. You may be surprised how much better the outcome is.
If this made you think, you might enjoy my story of building a life and career between Jamaica and Norway, or join The Beharie Letter for one thought like this each month.